He told me “You’ll always feel abused”.
Ouch! That was a punch in the middle on my belly. A sword on my heart. How could he know?
We had being discussing how to present data in a paper and how to continue the research and I probably had argued around ownership. Yes, all the Ego stuff and my science.
I managed to leave the office and run to my desk where I started crying like the Iguazu waterfalls. How could he know? He had just talked to the “victim” in me, that place where I was holding myself in a victim place due to “all the things that had happened to me”.
It was 2012 and we were in Penn State in the middle of the Sandusky scandal. Talk about being in the right place at the right time!
In the middle of tears and the most excruciating pain while seeing my whole life run as a movie I realized that for as long as I continued to see myself as a victim I was going to keep repeating and recreating stories and circumstances to keep living in a place of victimhood. And I was able to see it because my coach had been talking to me about this pattern and how to work on it.
I could have never imagined that life would bring me so far to provide me an opportunity to heal. I can’t say that anything that is an abuse is fair, but I know that by staying in victimhood we relinquish our power to the perpetrator and resign our creative power. The power to create a more joyful life, in spite of our past and circumstances.
No, it wasn’t fair that my father died when I was only 4, it wasn’t fair his assistant abused me in the next room while my parents were working, it wasn’t fair that my mother abused me physically, emotionally, kicked me out of our home, or that she sent me to nuns school, it wasn’t fair I was abused by the gardener and my cousin at naps time. Did I say this all happened before I was even 7? And I could go on and on and tell you about all my life and the sad things that happened to me, but you got my point. None of that was fair, nothing like that is fair. It just is.
The way that helped me to move on and stop re-acting the victim was to rewrite the story. Not that we can say it didn’t happen. Yes, it did. And these kind of traumatic experiences can wire us to think that everything is unfair, and therefore we become trapped in victimhood with no escape.
I prefer now to say that my life was, and still is, full of opportunities to grow, transform, evolve.
I can say that there is a place within me, and within all of us, where we are still Whole, no matter what happened, where we are pure, where we are resilient and where we are pure potential. That place is untouchable, unbreakable.
No, he couldn’t have known it all. If he had he wouldn’t have said that. He was probably just mirroring my behavior.
So as I’m sitting in my desk crying the tears of years of pain locked in my body I saw an opportunity for liberation and freedom, I saw the opportunity to outgrow the victim, to embody a creator, to write a new story. And if you know me a little you know that nobody tells me how to live or what to do, and when I heard those innocent words “you are always going to feel abused” I promised to myself that I had enough, that I was going to heal this pattern.
And I did. Lots of deep work. It took commitment, facing the past, the stories, embracing all the emotions (even the ugliest: hopeless, shame, unworthiness to name just few), clearing old stuff, cleansing patterns, accountability, nurturing the self, nourishing from the roots, and eventually falling in love with the one Me I discovered under all the layers of built up shit.
We can get triggered all the time. By our coworkers, boss, partner, friends, children, family. What if all this is a mirror in front of us to see our repetitive patterns? When we see ourselves as victims we are leaking all our power and get to a place of nothing-can-be-done. And I disagree. I feel you can do. You can love your victim and say “hey, that was enough”.
You can bring compassion for what happened and invite healing.
You can decide to reclaim your power as a creator/creatrice and heal your life. Your Whole Life. Your weight, your gut, your hormones, your skin, your relationships, your worthiness, your finances, your purpose, your connection to the higher self. Anything.
Until one day you realize that things that used to trigger you don’t do it anymore. And you bless your mirrors because they’ve shown you where you had opportunities for growth and healing.
And you know what, you can begin your journey today. Some of these questions might inspire you to see the other side of the dark: How your life experiences shaped who you are today? Who have you become by walking your path? For you to step into the creator and begin to embody this energy, what is one thing you can do today? That little thing might be the first piece on the domino wave. Maybe it is just taking pen and paper…
I want to live in a world where people are empowered. May I inspire you to take your next step today. May we all be part of a ripple. I want for our children a world full of possibility and adventures. How about you?
PS: Do you feel these words can inspire somebody? Please share them!
Are you or somebody you know ready to embody the creator/creatrice? I have two openings in June for somebody that is ready to give a sweet, compassionate kick to the victim and embody the creator. Are you one of them? I invite you to set up an exploratory free session with me so we can write a story that will make you fall in love with yourself.