I was waiting at the doctor’s office. Time was moving s-l-o-w as when you stare at a sand clock.
He entered the room. Eyes fixed on his laptop, he announced: “I’m wasting your time. I’m wasting your time and I don’t want to do that. You are getting too old.” He went onto explaining all the statistics around conception rates as function of age, and how if I kept waiting the Fertility clinics might not even take me, as they wouldn’t want to risk their success rates. He basically advised I rush into IVF.
Now, all of the sudden time was going faster.
I remember that night being down to my knees. I was feeling the pain of having my dreams threatened. For a moment, I felt hopeless.
I pondered “What should I do?” The holistic health coach in me wanted to nourish and keep trying naturally. The scientist in me wanted to get to the root cause and fix it. The biochemist in me knew all the amazing things that one could do in vitro, and that many times they fail and you have to keep trying and troubleshooting. The spiritual seeker in me wanted to find some meaning in this situation. The woman just wanted to hug that child.
After crying for a while I felt this deep sense of peace, as if a loving, caring presence was there with me, as if somebody was saying “It all will be fine, just keep going.” At that moment I went to sleep.
The next morning as the Sun rose I rose too, decided to try everything that was available for me, that I would do my best, and that I’d be happy regardless of the outcome.
So I embarked in a journey. A hero’s journey, a transformational journey.
I began by cleaning my food, fridge, pantry, and toiletries, changing everything for healthier options. I upgraded my food and cosmetics for non-toxic ones.
I began taking scientifically proven supplements that improve reproductive health.
I started a gratitude practice.
After resisting it for weeks I went to my first yoga class. And I felt good!
I began to exercise more wisely and instead of focusing of the external appearance I intentionally drove flow to the internal organs and the reproductive system to nourish the womb.
I began a meditation practice.
I began charting my cycle, learning about it, and embracing it as an inner compass.
I intentionally allowed myself to gain weight and started eating butter, grass-fed and organic, of course ;-)
I used herbal supplements to nourish the reproductive system.
I began my recovery from chronic stress and brought my body back to balance.
I worked on bringing healing and growth into every important relationship in my life.
I assembled a team of healers and holistic practitioners that focused in nourishing and nurturing me. I had an acupuncturist that was one my biggest blessings, he helped me to balance hormones and heal from chronic stress. I also worked with an energy healer that helped me to work through emotional trauma from the past.
I worked on my mindset, conquering fears and negative- worry loaded inner chat.
I also had a hypnotherapist to access the unconscious and program healing and fertility at that level.
I continued to enjoy yoga and navigated my journey while becoming a yoga teacher.
I spent more time outside, I dug my finger on Mother Earth, I played in the garden, and I dabbled with herbs that then nourished me. I took long walks listening to the birds.
I began coloring and got back to crafting.
I re-evaluated my career and personal goals. I studied new things. I set the stage for a transition.
I dove into spirituality and expanded my spiritual practice.
I spoke more openly, set boundaries and began to say some “No-s”.
I mastered the Law of attraction and became a Manisfesting Queen.
I leaned into sisterhood and I reclaimed "I AM already pregnant, with infinite possibilities".
I trusted my intuition and inner guidance.
I basically, first rebirthed myself and lovingly mothered myself.
And then I connected with the Spirit realm. I began to connect with a baby, somebody that had called me, years ago when I was dealing with depression and had asked me to recover. I began to share that I loved him and I was ready, or at least I thought so.
I was even able to get to the point where I let go of the expectations and the outcome. And I surrendered. I followed guidance. I allowed myself to be still and free as if I was floating on a river, nowhere to go, still held by Mother Earth.
I prayed and called a miracle.
I got pregnant and carried a healthy, blissful pregnancy to term. And beyond!
At birth my midwife caressed my head and said “You did great, everything is fine”, while my husband placed my baby on my chest. When I looked into this baby’s eyes I saw a wise old Soul, a Soul family member, somebody that had been journeying with me before. In his face he had a sand-clock skin tag. He was born just for Father’s day. Divine timing.
It took me a little while to make sense of it all. But then I understood.
I not only had been the gift of Motherhood. I had been trusted to bring to life a rainbow child from somebody else. I had been used to channel this child and all the healing he brought into this world. And that was just the beginning, we are meant to thrive and experience Joy.
And I remembered who I was. I AM a priestess, a channel, a healer, a spiritual midwife. I’m the holder and teacher of a sacred message:
@@Nourish the roots, so Life can unfold. And thrive.@@
This is a story that was very painful at moments but now I can see it was a gift for me and for my family. This is the way I reclaimed a Whole Fertile Life. At the end what I’ve learned is that there was nothing to ‘fix’, I was whole, held and guided the whole time. I had been inviting to a beautiful spiritual journey.
During my yoga studies I found a quote from yogi Yogananda. It said something like “Children are born in the exact moment when stars are aligned for them to fulfill their destiny and karma.” I found that really profound. We are so used to think ‘we’ are ready, and many times we forget about the child. That shift in perception for me was very profound and very humbling. I now feel I couldn’t have been the Mother of this special Soul shouldn’t I have embraced a spiritual transformation for myself.
Could you imagine how the field of fertility could change if we all embraced the body-mind-spirit connection?
Sending much love and light for now.
PS: Do you feel this might be helpful for somebody you know. Please share it.
Copyrighted Fernanda Lodeiro, 2016.